⚠️ This is Part 2 of 3 of my book’s motherfucking intro. If you missed Part 1, haul your lazy ass to the goddamn link above unless you want to yell “fuck” at a cop with zero legal context. (Good luck with that.)

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Dodging Government Restrictions on Speech and Expression

However, it would be on me if you got arrested because I didn’t outline the government restrictions on your speech and expression. So here they are:

1. Inciting or Threatening Violence

You may not incite others to violence or threaten to commit violent acts yourself.

Loophole: Thanks to the Brandenburg v. Ohio test, your speech is protected unless it’s both (1) intended to cause imminent lawless action and (2) likely to produce that action. So saying, “Let’s burn it all down… someday” = protected. Saying, “Torch City Hall in 5 minutes, meet me there” = not protected. Add brunch and you’re legally fine. 

Oh, and if you want to threaten someone, make sure it’s clearly a joke, wildly exaggerated, or part of some artistic performance—like a rap lyric, a poem, or an interpretive kazoo solo titled “Fuck the Rich (Gently).” Then you can tell the court, “Your Honor, this is art. Please don’t sue my metaphor.”

2. Damaging Property

Free speech and expression do not encompass the right to throw Molotov cocktails at a courthouse or graffiti dicks on your neighbor’s house, no matter how aesthetically pleasing you consider those dicks to be.

Loophole: None, really. Expressive conduct that involves property damage or arson is not protected. However, symbolic conduct that doesn’t cause harm (e.g., burning your own flag on your lawn) can be protected. Just don’t tag a courthouse with “Free Speech FTW” and expect a pat on the back.

3. Saying or Writing Criminal Shit

You may not divulge military secrets to an enemy nation in times of war. (But if you Edward Snowden the shit out of military secrets to friendly nations in times of peace, you could at least go to Russia. LOL)

Loophole: Whistleblowing protections do exist, but only in limited areas—mostly for internal reporting of government wrongdoing. If you go public with classified info, even if you’re morally right, you’re still legally screwed. “Friendly nation” doesn’t change it. You’d better hope public opinion loves you more than the Espionage Act does.

4. Encroaching on Other People’s Rights

If cute little Mikey or adorable Amy are on a field trip to the zoo, you may not block to the entrance to that zoo, however much you value animal rights.

Loophole: You can protest nearby, in a designated area, as long as you’re not obstructing access or harassing individuals. Strategic sidewalk standing = legal. Human centipede blocking the gate = probably not.

5. Being a Burden on Government Functions

If the government wants to construct a nuclear power plant or some other monstrosity that you don’t approve of, you may not express your disapproval by lying down in front of bulldozers.

Loophole: You can protest with signs, noise, costumes, and passive-aggressive yoga poses near the site. Just don’t physically interfere with construction equipment or workers. Being annoying = fine. Being a speed bump = nope.

6. Trespassing

You may not enter someone else’s home without permission to promote your religion or political cause, even if that religion is the awesome Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and your political cause is to save children from the evil influences of a billionaire-cum-politician high on ketamine and Nazi salutes.

Loophole: Public spaces and sidewalks are generally fair game. You can knock on someone’s door, leave a flyer, and bounce. But if they say “go away,” and you stay, now you’re just the Jehovah’s Witness version of a home invasion.

7. Defying Time, Place, and Manner Restrictions

Otherwise legal speech may be grounds for arrest if you are yelling it in the middle of an expressway or at 2 a.m. in a residential area.

Loophole: Time, place, and manner restrictions must be (1) content-neutral, (2) narrowly tailored, and (3) leave open ample alternative channels for expression. So if the law says “no bullhorns at midnight,” it has to apply to everyone equally. Yell during daylight hours. Or just mime your rebellion in interpretive dance.

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⚖️ Click here for Part 3 of 3, on Schrödinger’s Cat, Agent Dickface, and the Xanax of Free Speech.