Founding Fathers Diss Track Vol. IV

Benjamin “Big Benjie” Franklin

Known For:

Drafting the Declaration of Independence and U.S. Constitution, inventing pretty much everything EXCEPT electricity, writing Poor Richard’s Almanack, sleeping his way through France, magically transforming international diplomacy into 18th century Viagra

Roast Status:

Positively Charged, Morally Erect

Legacy:

Half the country thinks he was president. The other half just knows he’s on the $100 bill and had syphilis.

Dear Noble Lady Dear Noble Lady My name is Big Benjie Do not mistake me for the Preezy of the United Steezy For I come with the intention of getting steamy And I respectfully oblige you to check out my thingy Dear Noble Lady Though I may not have invented electricity My love for you is strong and not too sleazy For I can quote anyone from Voltaire to Socrates And Locke and Milton liberally, who said, “Long is the way, and hard that out of hell comes my thingy” Dear Noble Lady I love you skinny I love you meaty I love you flabby, fleshy, fruity, fishy I love the smoothie on your underthingy I love that you love my poetry So “Join or Ride” my thingy for colonial unity Dear Noble Lady I can go on for infinity With you I can forever be Your lovely, jolly man of virility So please pardon my potent imagery And wait ‘til you check out Big Benjie’s thingy

Benjamin Franklin was a statesman, diplomat, Founding Father, and American Revolution sex icon (!) who—besides inventing swim fins, the Franklin stove, bifocals, a charming musical instrument called the glass armonica, the lightning rod, a flexible catheter, and a 24-hour clock—also wrote a widely popular almanac entitled Poor Richard’s Almanack and helped to draft both the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. He also penned a letter called “Advice to a Friend on Choosing a Mistress,” which he probably wrote with his perpetually erect penis—but we’ll get to that later.

Contrary to popular belief, Franklin, henceforth known as “Big Benjie,” did not invent electricity. But what he might have done, according to legend, was to attach a metal thingy to a kite that he flew in a thunderstorm to prove that lightning was the same thingy as electricity. And then he conducted electricity with half of France’s women and used his own thingy in the boudoir with them, solidifying his reputation as America’s DILF-in-residence.

Big Benjie also served as the first Postmaster General of the USA, helping to establish the United States Post Office, later known as the United States Postal Service, or USPS. So that, in conjunction with his horniness, helped with the dissemination of letters, packages, and sexually transmitted diseases.

Donning a raccoon hat, Big Benjie arrived in Paris as a big and goofy ambassador to strengthen France’s alliance with the States and his own romantic relations with aristocrats such as Anne Louise Brillon (musician and owner of a famous salon) and Madame Helvétius (owner of another renowned salon and wife of philosopher Claude Adrien Helvétius), sometimes at the same friggin’ dinner. For dessert, he probably drank the bodily fluids of classy ladies.

Oh. And that “Advice to a Friend on Choosing a Mistress” thingy? That was Big Benjie sending a letter to some young dude to impart philosophical wisdoms like:

The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

Which was just Big Benjie’s poetic way of saying that although mature women get wrinkly and saggy, they are still anatomically functional down south. That, combined with the fact that you can turn off the lights, that they are sexually experienced, and that you can use your thingy and still not get them pregnant, means that they are… fuck this. I can’t do this anymore. [Source: Franklin, 1779, Probably While Half-Naked]